I want to start with an acknowledgement of the loneliness and grief that so many of us are experiencing right now. If that is includes you, know that you are not alone.
Grief and loneliness can be so hard to feel and allow within ourselves. When feelings like these come up, we may fight them, we may distance ourselves in some way and we may feel like there is something wrong with us. The truth is these emotions are natural, especially during times like these when we may not be able to have the kind of social interactions we are used to. We may be experiencing loss. We may have added stress in our lives. We may be missing familiar holiday traditions and celebrations. We may be facing financial challenges and job loss or insecurity.
I say “we may” have these things, but in all honesty, don’t we all have added stress and loss in our lives right now? It is stressful to live during a global health crisis. It is hard to be separated from familiar routines and familiar faces. It is disorienting to live with continued uncertainty. It is heart-breaking to know so many people have lost their lives. Some of these losses may be deeply personal and, even if they are not, we can still feel the loss.
In short, your emotions make sense. Your emotional response to the world around you shows you are human.
If you can, let that sink in for a few moments. There is nothing wrong with feeling heartbroken, scared, lonely or sad. Truly. It is okay to feel these emotions. It is part of being human.
That being said, if it feels like too much, there is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from intense emotions. It is okay to distract yourself. It is okay to feel numb.
It is 100% okay to reach out for professional help if you are struggling or simply need someone to listen and be with you. There are so many caring people available to hold space for you during this challenging time.
The Need for Connection
What do loneliness and grief need?
Generally speaking, when we feel lonely and/or sad, we need some form of connection. That is the paradox of this time: we are physically separated and feel lonely - and we need to be with people. Whether it’s in person or not, we all have a need to feel held and connected.
If you like, you can also inquire into your own experience and ask what it needs. To do this:
Take a few moments to sense inward into loneliness or grief or whatever is present for you. Imagine gently holding your experience.
Then ask directly into this experience what it needs. Invite the answer to come not so much from your brain but from a deeper place of knowing or intuition, i.e. from the feeling itself.
You may hear a word or short phrase in response. Or you may see an image or memory or sense a need in another way.
Acknowledge and honor the answer you receive. If you don’t get an answer, let that be okay.
An example of bringing in connection and support to whatever experience you are having in this moment
For example, what I heard was the need to be held. It is powerful and healing to acknowledge and honor that, even if I can’t physically meet that need in this moment. I can imagine being held and notice how that feels. I can remember a time I felt held. I can remind myself that people care about me and are holding me in their thoughts and hearts, in their loving awareness. Also, the next time I am with someone, I can savor those moments of connection, whether it is physical touch or simply being near(ish) to someone.
Try this for yourself. Can you imagine receiving what you need or remember a time when you experienced having this need met? Notice how that feels.
If the above experiment doesn’t feel right to you or you tried it and didn’t hear or sense anything, that’s okay. There is no need to push yourself here. Above all, I invite you to treat yourself with gentleness and kindness. If that doesn’t feel possible, try for neutral - simply name and acknowledge what’s here without having to change anything.
I have also included a short video (above) as an invitation to imagine bringing connection and support directly to whatever you are feeling. Even if you are feeling numb or distracted, you can imagine loving connection for that part of you. Then notice if anything shifts in you, knowing that whatever you experience is okay. There is no right or wrong way; this is simply an opportunity to be with yourself and explore part of you.
May you and your loved ones be safe and healthy. May you feel loved.
Katherine Grigg, MPC, RSMT, offers a holistic approach to healing with roots in somatics, body psychotherapy, spirituality and mindful movement. She typically sees clients in Lenox, Massachusetts and currently offers online therapy exclusively (until it is safe to be in person again). Specializing in working with women, members of the LGBTQ+ community, adolescents and young adults. Contact her for more information.